My Trance Sphere

“Life is unpredictable; life is full of surprises. We’ll never know what will happen next – and that’s the beauty of it. There’s always that thrilling sensation.”

Life has a lot of stereotypes and ironies. There are instances when we can already predict the outcome of certain happenings; however, things may not also happen the way we expect them to.

What happens when your little brother who’s normally totally annoying and insensible turns out to give you the answer to a question which you’ve longed for… well let’s say, for quite some time already? Feels good and weird at the same time, right? I mean, yes you finally had the answer, but it makes you feel younger and immature, thinking “Why haven’t I thought of that all this time?”

Well… first and foremost, technically my little brother is not legally and biologically a part of my family. Usually, we have our “ate’s” and “kuya’s” whom we look up to and eventually acted as our own siblings. Well, I became one of those “ate’s” to one of the most unique people I’ve ever met in my 17 years of living in this world.

Physically – particularly when it comes to height issues, he’s not fit in being my little brother because he’s about 7-8 inches taller than I am (OK, maybe 9 inches he-he). At first I found him really frustrating, (which I think added points in being my li’l bro) because I couldn’t get him at all. Some people found him a bit weird, quite frankly scary but I found him quite interesting – also in a weird and mysterious way. Like I said, I didn’t get him at all at first and it made me want to know him all the more. I usually know how to read people and whom they really are deep inside, but this one’s difficult.

Knowing him wasn’t that difficult, what a relief. He was open when it comes to sharing a part of his life even with people not even close to him… yet. I was one of those people. He was honest with himself and admitted both his strengths and weaknesses. He may seem a bit conceited at times or should I say, frequently. Okay, it’s normal for a guy’s ego, but he wasn’t this spoiled, insensitive rich kid who he may seem as – when it comes to looks and first impressions. He’s child-like but can also be mature when needed. He has this ability to scare and attract people at the same time.

One thing I found hard in keeping up with is his mood swings. I wasn’t really that good in taking the initiative to approach people (I have my timid side). So I was really hesitant to reach out to him.

So how did he become my little brother?

Well… we did become close because of the several chances given to us to know a bit of each other. Surprisingly, I found it easy to talk to him because of some similar interests. He was fun-to-be with and that’s one of his fortes – to make people happy. So eventually we became close and there came a point when I said out of the blue, You know what, if I was really your ate, I would be totally strict to you. And so I did, he actually wanted someone who would scold him MOST of the times and I said to myself… Yeap, I can do that.

By the way, I actually didn’t like the idea of being called as an “ate” ‘cause that would mean that I’m older, right? I’m a bit sensitive when it comes to age issues.But this time, I did like the feeling of becoming and acting older for this unique individual.

So what exactly was that question which my little brother answered? It’s quite simple actually, but I’ve always thought of a complicated response to it.

I still haven’t known my real purpose in life. I’ve always waited for the right answer. So what is it?

Here’s my little brother’s response: Well, my purpose in life is to be there for the people that I live for.

So that says it all. I don’t need a one-in-a-million answer like: your purpose in life is to be a millionaire, to become the best doctor who would save many people, or to become a worthless/jobless person. How would I know that when all those things would only happen in the future? I needed a present answer, and I already got it. As long as I’m still living in this world, my reason for living is for the ones that I love and care for the most. Even the simplest thing I can do for them would already mean a lot because for some way and for some special reason, I already made a change in their lives – a change which is hopefully for the better.

Before, I was forcing myself to find out my purpose in life. Then I realized that it’s not about you knowing your purpose but it’s about you doing it even without recognizing you’ve already done it. That’s what matters – you did your part in the lives of people. You don’t have to brag.

I’m really grateful for my little brother’s teaching. He taught me a valuable lesson about life and how to live. What he taught me may seem simple but like I said, even the smallest possible deed you do for people can serve as the greatest one.

So a million thanks li’l bro for coming into my life and making me as your proud ‘ATE’. Looking forward to a happier and a more surprising year in 2010.

“Even the smallest gift can be the greatest deal this Christmas depending on the person who gives it.” 1-2-3 awoo!”:)

They say that time is such a playful element – it rushes up the hours you’ve always longed for and maximizes the moments you just want to end.

 

Well I say that time is something we shouldn’t take for granted. Whether you love a second or hate it, be thankful for you’re still given the chance to spend a moment of your life.

 

It’s been quite rough for me these past few weeks and I can’t seem to understand why I’ve been feeling an uncertain emotion – something that forces me to become depressed at times when I just wanted to become happy.

 

Be happy. I keep telling myself, but quite frankly I sure can’t. Not at the moment.

 

What seems to be the problem? No one annoys me, upsets me, or something like how your little brother just keeps on bugging you kind of thing. *I’m totally used to it by the way.* I just simply want to climb the highest mountain and shout whatever feelings have been bottled up inside me for quite some time now.

 

There were a lot of instances when I remember something – even the tiniest detail in my memory, and suddenly… there it is – that disturbing unknown feeling.

 

One second your heart is perfectly fine, and the next thing you know – it’s suddenly being tortured and slowly painfully being crushed when you’re totally helpless.

 

What am I saying? Are these supposed to be connected with the first two paragraphs? Well, forget it. Ah, I mean think about it. The moments when you suddenly wanted to end something, you’re completely unable to because it’s not yet the right time. You can’t stop time – that’s the hard part of life. The reality.

 

Waiting for the right time when all your wounds would be healed and you’re finally the whole person again – that’s the moment we’ve always yearned for. Don’t hate the struggles of life because without these there’re no rooms for growing and becoming a better being. Keep on believing that life may become miserable but in the end you’ll realize that you’ve actually gained much than

 other people – you’ve become stronger and you’re much prepared for more challenges of life. At least you’re quite immune to it already than being someone who’s weak and dependent on others.

 

 

I’m still anticipating for THE TIME that I will soon face where my life would be better – happiness, contentment, and of course love. J For the mean time, I’ll value every moment I spend with the special people around me and maybe somehow I’ll soon forget all the pain I’ve gone through (it wasn’t that much though) but even a scratch needs healing, right?

 

Oh, and I kind of realized the “heart pain causing agent” behind all these – Incompleteness perhaps. Haaay.. I wish Centrum could make me feel complete and I mean really complete. (No commercial intention by the way).

 

I’m also hoping that one person could help me through this. I just don’t know how and when but maybe there is someone out there. I’m not really into the destiny sort of thing but I believe in possibilities so maybe there’s really that one person. J

 

In time…

 

 

“People who never believe in something keep on hanging on to denial.”

“Great things are found in the most unexpected ways possible.”

There are times when we simply want to find answers, and surprisingly when you least anticipate it, you might realize that the one you’re looking for is just around you – you just failed to open your eyes.

As I started this day, it seemed pretty normal as usual. Well, it was somehow special in a way because someone already made my day when it exactly started and I literally mean starting from 12 am of March 10. JThis was actually the first unexpected event of this day.

I wasn’t really in the mood to write a post in this blog for in the first place, I have no inspiration – so what will I write about? That’s when I came to realize that I don’t just HAVE to write because I NEED to, however, I am ABLE to write because there was something that motivated me and caught me to do so.

So, I dedicate this post…

First, to the person who became the jump start of this day J

Second, to my much-loved, ever-dearest, and oh-so-addicted to IMPACT MAN friend – Cherry Mayden Millare J

So this friend of mine was…well, let’s not really say a “can’t accept other’s opinions” kind of girl, but she’s the type who extremely prefers to go with her instincts and become focused on one point-of-view of things. In the almost 3 years of our friendship, I’ve always known her as someone who knows herself too well that she chooses to stick with whatever decision she has.

I actually admire this trait of hers. But then, the time came when she needs to be more open with the reality of what was actually happening around her. I hoped for her to change some of her views about complicated things because I believe that this change can help her in handling things a bit easier. I knew that there was a lot going on with her right now and all I can do is to try my best to somehow help her to make things lighter. That was very difficult by the way because I knew that there were a lot to take in and she was someway strong in handling it as far as I can see.

Then the unexpected part happened. It started when I kind of pushed her to read one of my blogs. Ooops, wrong move, I guess. It really never occurred to me that there were actually some statements in my posts that could hit her, and I mean really hard. It was like a meteor shower that served as radiance to her seemingly blind eyes. Okay, so that was a bit exaggerated but seriously, I never imagined such.

During all the conversations that we’ve had, there was never a thing I’ve said that made an impact on her to realize different things – except for this simple blog of mine which was the last on my list options (well actually not on my list) in using as a tool to poke her in the head. J And she was already one of the unfortunate ones who got to read my insignificant posts. J

Until now, I’m not really sure that it was a good thing that she actually had to read it; but on the negative note, it made her more confused in some aspects. But then, she seemed to understand the reality of some things and her only concern now is how to accept them.

I can hardly imagine how a simple blog can somehow affect someone so much that it turns into a virus and influence her perception about a lot of things.

• A virus, as we all know can harshly infect a person that when we get hit by it, we can’t anymore control it’s capability to contaminate our body.

Okay, so we really don’t want to expand into its scientific feature, but hopefully you got the logic.

The funny thing was, I’ve said so much about the reality in this world in most of my posts, and yet I find it difficult to accept them. What a hypocrite – I should tell myself. I kept on writing about how we should accept life’s flaws, and yet I find it hard to admit that life isn’t perfect.

We can’t have all the things that we want because it wouldn’t be fair. And another thing, we should know that God gives us what we NEED and not what we WANT, so we have no right in complaining and dictating how our lives are supposed to be.

I guess that’s the irony in life – we believe in something that we know is true and just, yet we choose to deny the realities in this world. True isn’t it? This is because we only think of ourselves and how we wanted our lives to work out, but one should try to accept life’s imperfectness.

Acceptance. I do hope that this kind of virus could contaminate me so I would be more open in the changes I need in my life. Hopefully, everything would flow easily when time comes…

My mind was an empty page when I started this day. I had nothing to write about nor experienced something unusual that might interest me. But then, as the day was about to end, my conversation with the lady mentioned in this post seemed to have caused the flow of words that started to overwhelm me. There was much to write about that I found it hard to put them appropriately in this post. J

Thank you so much to the two significant persons whom had helped in filling the empty corners of my mind. Haha. :) So the song “Way Back into Love” is somehow related to this post?… “I need inspiration, not just another negotiation.”

“BE LIKE A BAMBOO AND GO WITH THE FLOW OF LIFE - CARRY ON!”

 

March 5, 2009

 

-One of the craziest days in my junior year ever.

 

-At first I thought today was just a regular Thursday for us but unexpectedly it wasn’t. Hmm… *Trivia: My most hated day of the week is Thursday.*

 

-One thing that was also surprising was that I woke up early. J

 

*Another Trivia: I was known to be a typical “Filipino timer?” (If that word even existed) Anyway, I was amazingly able to NOT be late in our choir rehearsals. Cheers for me! hehe.. I was actually beginning to accomplish one of my new year’s resolutions. (weh?)

 

Okay, so this is where the crazy list of events started…

 

CHOIR REHEARSALS

 

-         Our conductor, Mrs. Fuentes wasn’t at all happy with our performance (even during vocalization).

 

 “What’s with this 4^th Grading? It seems like you are not anymore interested in what you’re doing. You should expect that your grades will go down compared with your last quarter’s results. I know some of you will be more concerned especially to those who are running for honors.”

 

These were the testimonials she said and they were true, now that I realized everything. And I knew that she was disappointed in us because she tries her very best to fix her extremely hectic schedule and make it a point to teach us, and yet we just took her and her efforts for granted. We should all be ashamed of our selfish attitudes and actions during these past few rehearsals.

 

-         We just found out that our conductor will remove almost half of our members which was actually crazy because we were outnumbered already so it would be drastic and really harder for all of us. Also, the fourth year members will already graduate so how could things get any worse?

 

SENTIMENTS AROUSE

 

-         It seems that a lot of students today are unusually in the crying mood today. I’ve seen a lot of tears. haay…

 

One thing I hate about myself is that I don’t know how to comfort people who are crying. I sincerely want to but all I can do is pat them at the back and words just can’t seem to flow from my mouth whenever I see their tears. I’m really not an emotional person because I am normally tough when it comes to handling different problems except for family issues. J

 

BARKADA CONFLICTS

 

-         This was somehow the positive part of the day for we finally had the chance to talk about all the issues among our barkada members.

 

We really make it a point to talk through our disagreements and misunderstandings. This is why I really love my friends because they really try to be as open as possible. Being “plastic” with one another is one thing we avoid in our group so in other words, my friends are really FRANK when it comes to expressing how they feel. I’m usually soft-spoken when it comes to the expressing part but I still manage to tell how I feel.

 

So we stayed in our friend’s house until about 8:30 PM and fortunately, all issues were solved. J Although I had to lie to my mom about the “going home late” part, but it was all worth it.

 

*Guess what reason I gave:

 

The most widely used, “Tatapusin lang ‘yung project, kailangan nang hapitin eh.” Oh di’ba, walang kakupas-kupas. Haha…

 

 

Pahabol/ Paningit lang…

 

CRAZY ME!

 

- Nakaw. Eto na naman ako. Ewan ko, ang gulo talaga ng isip ko. Nakakapagod nang makipag-debate sa sarili ko eh wala namang patutunguhan kasi nga pareho ngang magulo ‘yung side. toink! Sana may malakas na talagang bumatok sa’kin para magising na! heheh…

 

 

REALIZATIONS FOR TODAY…

 

-         Never take for granted the people around you whom you know have already played a huge role in your life. You’ll soon realize everything you’ve wasted instead of making the most out of the time you’ve spent with them. Stay away from regrets!

 

-         Friends can really show their vulnerabilities; we should always be sensitive to what and how they feel at a certain moment because one instant can change who they are and how they treat you. Learn to become open. As much as possible, have the courage to take the initiative in approaching them because you’ll soon realize that fear is the only thing that hinders them from opening up to you, so be the braver one. J

 

-         Finally, learn to know yourself better. You are the only one who would know what you genuinely feel. Be true to yourself and express how you really feel. Your friends are always around when you encounter some difficulties so don’t hesitate. You are not alone. J

 

TAGALOG MODE NA…

 

Nais kong pasalamatan ang mga dakila kong kaibigan – sa mga kapasawayan, kulitan, kaingayan, walang sawang mga trip sa buhay, katopakan, at higit sa lahat, sa pagiging TOTOO. Ngayon lang talaga ako nakakilala ng mga kaibigang katulad niyo at naging mahirap man ang ilang mga problemang naranasan, naging maganda din naman ang pinatunguhan dahil mas naging matatag ang pagkakaibigan natin. Ang mga pagkakaiba natin ang siyang nagturo sa’tin upang mas mapaganda ang relasyon natin sa bawat isa at natutuhan din nating irespeto ang pakiramdam ng isa’t isa. Wala talagang makakapalit ng lugar niyo dito… dito sa puso ko! Haha. J Pero seryoso nga, lubos kong pinapahalagahan ang pagkakaibigan natin dahil kayo talaga ang masasandalan ko palagi.

 

SALAMAT TALAGA MGA BHE! MAHAL NA MAHAL KO KAYO! J

 

SAKDELJJ FOREVER. J

 

*Gawa ako ng blog about sa inyo na kayo lang talaga ang bida! Hehe…*

 

 

Anyway, I just wanted to share this day with all of you. (Wow, as if maraming bumabasa) hehe…

 

 

 

“People come into our lives for a reason – all we have to do is to open our eyes and let them play their roles in your lives.”

_kean11_

 

        Haay. Siguro madami na sa inyo ang nakaramdam ng kaguluhan sa isipan.. (malamang) pero yung tipong madami ka talagang mga katanungan na hanggang ngayon, sa tagal-tagal mong iniisip ay ayun.. wala pa rin. BLANKO ang isip ko. Hindi ko pa rin masagot ang mga dapat sagutin at hindi pa rin maging klaro ang mga dapat klaruhin sa mundo. Sa madaling sabi, magulo talaga. Parang ako, ang gulo ng mga pinagsasabi ko.. wala namang napapala ang bumabasa nito. *teka, may bumabasa nga ba?* Basta ayun, pasensya na ah.

       Hmm.. balik sa pinag-uusapan. Kasi ganito yun, kasama ko kanina mga kaibigan ko at siyempre sobrang saya ko na naman dahil masaya talaga kasama mga kabarkada ko. Tawanan, kulitan, kwentuhan at pagbabalik tanaw sa mga nangyari simula nung 1st year namin sa paaralan. Madalas puro mga first impressions ang napag-usapan at mga iba’t ibang karanasan.. Mga pag-aaway, past love teams at mga pinakanakakahiyang pangyayari ng bawat isa. Tapos yun, bumalik bigla sa akin lahat ng mga nangyari noon at pinakatumatak sa akin ay yung mga pagkakamali ko.

         Oo, lahat tayo nagkakamali pero may mga instances na nakakaramdam ako ng mabigat na pagsisisi dahil sa mga nagawa ko. May mga napasaya ako, so far wala pa namang nakaaway na grabe, at may nasaktan na din akong mga tao. Inisip ko sa aking sarili kung napakasama ko na ba talaga dahil madami na akong nasaktan? Hindi ko naman ginusto ito pero siyempre nakaka-guilty talaga sa tuwing naiisip kong ako ang dahilan kung bakit nasasaktan ang ibang tao. Ayaw ko ng ganun.. Natatakot na tuloy akong maging mapalapit sa iba dahil kapag bigla akong bumitaw, masakit siyempre.

        Isa pa ay alam ko na ang pakiramdam ng gano’n - Akala mo’y totoo na, pero hindi pala. Kaya lang pala naisip mo na parang “eto na nga ‘yun” dahil ikaw ang kumakapit, ayaw mong bumitaw sa isang bagay. Magiging sobrang masaya ka sa una, ung tipong sukdulan hanggang langit na kaligayahan, pero ganun din naman ang sakit na mararamdaman mo kapag biglang kailangan mo ng bumitaw. Pinaasa mo lang ang iyong sarili sa isang bagay na alam mong hindi naman talaga maaaring mangyari. Siguro ay karma na nga ang nangyari sa akin para malaman ko naman daw ang pakiramdam ng ganito.

        ayun.. anyway. Sabi nga nila, ang lahat ng bagay ay nangyayari upang matuto tayo, at ayun nga madami na rin akong nalaman patungkol sa mga iba’t ibang mga bagay. Kailangan pala talaga ng karanasan noh, bago ka matuto. Kailangan talagang maramdaman muna ang isang bagay para malaman mo kung paano ito nangyayari. *Pasensya na talaga, hindi ko maderetso ang nais ko ipahiwatig*

        7:45 PM ang eksaktong oras ng pagtapos ko nito. Ayus, 22 minutes ang napalipas kong oras sa gabing ito na wala naman talagang kabuluhan. Pero in fairness, nakaka-relax siya kahit papano ah, nakakabawas ng mga iniisip mo kasi kahit papano narerelease mo ang nararamdaman mo sa pamamagitan nito. Subukan niyo din. Pasensya na sa abala kung sino man ang magkamaling magbasa nito.

Maraming salamat.

_katapusan_

In my 16 years of existence in this world, I can’t help but ask myself if I’ve already done things that made my life meaningful; whether or not I’ve done great things for other people – my family, friends, loved ones, and even my enemies. Come to think of it, I can’t really think of one specific thing that can prove my worth in this world. I still don’t know my purpose – why was I created in the first place?

 

            Life is short. Life is short. Life is short. These words kept on bothering me these past few days. And to make a more disturbing emphasis, our church’s topic for this month of February is “One Life to live”, which speaks of knowing our purpose in this world and how we’ve lived our lives so far. I can feel the ripple of fear in my veins when I suddenly realized that anytime my life could end in just one snap. What we have is just borrowed time from God and we have no right to want more from Him when our time comes. Death. This is the reality of life and although I already knew this fact, I can’t help but to feel great fear in me. I just had to admit it – I’m afraid to die.

 

            During the first week of our discussion in our church’s “One Life to Live” series (Our pastor is really great by the way, he’s Pastor Robert Hern, and he truly has the gift of speaking God’s Word and effectively teaching us. ) it spoke of numbering our days. We have to make every second count and not waste our life with insignificant things. There was this survey that shows: In an average 65-year old person, he spends about 4 hours a day or 28 hours a week or 2 weeks/month of nonstop TV- watching which is actually already 9 years of his life. Wow. 9 years, whatmore if you’re one TV addict. There are a lot you can do in that span of time. I can now imagine how much time I’ve wasted with texting, chatting, surfing the net – specifically using friendster. Hmm…  I guess this is one reason of having regrets in life – regrets in spending so much time with what we thought were essential.

 

            What if you’re the richest person in the world but in the end all you have left are just plain papers of money? What if you’re the most popular person in the world, well let’s just say in your society and in the end what you’ll have left is nothing but pure fame that would benefit only yourself? What if all your life you’ve done so much you thought was important but in the end, you realize you’re still not happy – not contented? Fame, money, power – these are not the REAL things that can make a person happy. These are just selfish things that are only temporary. What’s important is whether or not you’ve used these things TO HELP others and not only yourself.

 

            We can’t control our own death. Some die at an early age, and some can live 80+ years of their fruitful life. But then I realized that it is really not how long we can live but how we’ve lived. Even if we die earlier than a normal person would, what matters most is the legacy we’ve left that has touched others. We all have 24 hours in life and this is greatest EQUALIZER of each individual in this world. We are all given a fair chance of making every second count and to make our life worth living for. It is our choice whether we grab the opportunity to do so.

 

If we don’t know the purpose of life, WE WILL LOSE IT. We will never know what our life is all about without OUR REASON for LIVING.

 

I still haven’t found my purpose in life, YET. But with the help and guidance from God, I believe that I will soon find out my reason for living. There are no accidents in God. We are made for a purpose. We just have to open our eyes and see for ourself the beauty that we can give to others. We should be a blessing to other people.

 

WE DON’T JUST HAVE TO EXIST, WE HAVE TO LIVE.

 

Have you ever felt like you’re in dream – a wonderful dream where everything you’ve yearned for is finally happening? Contentment. Joy. Love. These were the words I felt in when I had this dream; a dream where certain things – unexpected things came into my life. But then, in a blink of an eye, everything just seemed to fade away. Like water running out from my hands, I realized that this dream cannot last and it’s far beyond my control. It was only a dream. And I have no right to want more from it. It was just a meteor that passed by in the sky and it shouldn’t and wouldn’t last that long the moment we see it.

 

            Okay, enough with all the metaphors I’ve used. I kind of exaggerated a bit with the experience I’ve had last December. It was probably the best Christmas gift I’ve had this year. And not to mention, it was indeed a very pleasant way to end the year 2008. So, here it goes…

 

            There I was waiting for our chorale rehearsals to start. Honestly, I just wanted to get it over with because I was actually planning to spend the rest of the day at home. Also, I hated this part of the rehearsals where we have to practice the dance movements. (Ugh.) No big deal – most of you would say, but luckily for me, dancing has always been my frustration. J Ha-ha. Okay, so I just thought to myself that I have to endure this part. Suddenly, when we’re about to begin, I noticed my friends gossiping about someone – some guy, perhaps. And I wasn’t interested in listening. I usually was never fond of what they so call, “boy-hunting”.

 

            Finally, rehearsals were already over. Thank God! I survived! J Then, when I glanced at the group of tenors at the back, there was someone who caught my attention – not knowing why, but I just did. It felt odd but I really didn’t know what made me want to look at him again. Okay, enough. Maybe, there was just some mystery in him that caught me and I don’t have to make a huge fuss about it.

 

            During the following rehearsals, I realized that I was actually anxious to start the day. Not because of the oh-so-exciting-dancing part, but instead I wanted to see “that” guy again. I was surprised to find myself observing and looking at him more than I should. I felt the urge to ask my friend (who knows heck a lot more people than I do) if she knew the guy I was talking about. Obviously, she did. He was actually the guy they were gossiping about the other day, and that’s when I realized that he was very attractive. And she actually had his number even before the Cantata. Okay, I said to myself. Getting his number was already too much. He didn’t even know me so I guess it’s the right thing to do.

 

            Days passed without choir rehearsals and I can’t help but think of… hmmm, let’s just call him Mr. D (dream guy?) I actually already knew his first name, and that’s when I decided to look for him in friendster.  This is silly, how’s it possible to find a person only with his first name alone in an international website, I thought to myself.Luck, a huge amount of luck – that’s what I needed. Well, there’s no harm in trying, so I did. Amazingly, only 21 people were on the list and Mr. D was the last one. Wow, it sure was easy finding him. So I’m a stalker now, and probably a way too good stalker for my first mission. J That’s when it started – when I can’t anymore deny this feeling. I had a crush on this person that I don’t even know… yet.

 

            You might be wondering why “this crush” might be a bigger deal for me. Well, I’m the kind of person who doesn’t have crushes that much. Like for example, normal teenage girls would get attracted to many guys, I probably would just have one – ONE which is very rare that it probably lasts longer than most crushes would.

             

            So he accepted me (well… my friend request of course), and we did become friends, and text mates. J Okay, so I also got his number. Guilty as charged. I felt happy, and I mean really happy for what was happening. I wanted no more than to get to know him better, and I sure was glad that we finally became friends.

 

When it was already the last week before the Christmas Cantata, I felt really sad that it was going to end soon. It’s so ironic because before I just wanted to get this over with, and now here I was complaining about how time flies so fast. Karma, probably. So I realized that I have to make the most out of the remaining days left. At first, the only thing that I did was smile at him and surprisingly, he smiled back. Wow, I can’t even imagine how my heart suddenly beat so fast that moment, like it was about to burst if I don’t get out of that room, FAST! But it sure was a nice feeling knowing that he knew me, because I was afraid that he might not recognize me. That’s when I found out that he actually did know me (by face) even before we became friends.

 

At first I thought I was only attracted because of his good looks, but when I got to know more about him, I came to realize that he was actually my “dream guy”. I never really had a vision of what my dream guy would be. I was not interested in having one in the first place…before. But Mr. D sure was something – something new that happened in my life. I can’t help myself to let him know that I do like him. I found it easy to express how I felt for him, and it was strange because I was never the verbal type of person. He made me become somewhat a sweeter person and I was not ashamed of being corny at the same time. Ha-ha.

 

But then I found out that he also felt the same way. Well, maybe not as much as I felt for him because I knew that there was already someone for him – someone special, and I knew that he was already happy. I never wanted to cross the line that would confuse him for I have no right to do so in the first place. We both have our own worlds before we met in this event and it wouldn’t change the fact that we have to go back to reality. It was a dream indeed – a wonderful dream like I said. But I have to wake up. I had to. And it’s painful, yes, but it’s the right thing to do. I had to let go…

 

 Let me use one of the quotations from twilight…

I was already in too deep…

When I thought of him…

Of his voice… His hypnotic eyes…

I wanted no more than to be with him.

 

Twilight was only a fictional novel, so it wasn’t real. Mr. D can’t be Edward (disregard the vampire concept) but I did think of him as My Edward because he was so good to be true. J Okay, enough of Twilight. Hmmm… We did have some good memories from this experience, very short conversations, lots of eye-to-eye contact, exchange of smiles and best of all, he was my first hug. J

 

Even in just a short period of time, I was truly thankful for everything that happened. The friendship, lessons learned, and most of all… The dream that seemed like the best one I’ve had. I still have the friendship that I can hold on to right now, and I’m contented with that. I really am. I’m glad that we are friends even from a distant and we still get to communicate every once in a while. J Mere words cannot express how grateful I am for everything. Only God knows what’s in store for me or for us in the future. Maybe someday we’ll just bump into each other and… well I still don’t know what. But whatever God’s will is, I will be happy with it.

 

Until now, I still tend to find myself going back to the dream I had last Christmas. I hated myself for wanting to but I can’t help it. But I am happy with the friendship I can cherish. J Set aside all our feelings that we have for a moment. It takes time. Someday we’ll realize that we can and we will be happy with whatever might happen. We’ll just have to wait… for the right time. It might take long, but hopefully it will be all worth it. Life is an addict. J Those were some of the words he said (I just added some.J) And they were true for I also agree with it. I believe him.

 

            There are a lot of things that happen in our lives – things we want and visualize to happen, and things we just want to end at the very moment. Everything is about the choices we make. Everyone is made for a purpose – a purpose that some of us have already known but for most of us, will soon discover in our everyday lives.

 

            I’m just an ordinary teenage junior student, and like any other adolescent; I too have dreams and wishes in life. I’m the type of person who aims to discover new things and accept failures along the way. I also have insecurities that I try to overcome so I can learn to appreciate myself more and become contented with what I have.

 

            My family is the most important aspect in my life. I guess ups and downs are normal in each family member. There were a lot of challenges we’ve faced and until now, problems we encounter are inevitable. But despite of all these, I still try to keep in mind that those are just part of strengthening our relationship not only with one another, but also with God.

 

            I love my friends. I value friendship a lot that I would find it very difficult to survive everyday circumstances without them. It’s because of my friends when I really feel contented with my life; for they fill some of the emptiness I feel whenever I spend time with them.

 

            There were instances when I feel like nobody can even understand some of the things that I go through. I guess it’s just normal for us, the youth to feel alone at times, but it’s just part of our inferiorities. I’ve learned to gain trust from people I love and I try to become more open not only with others, but mostly to myself. My biggest competition would be my own self so it is really better for me to know myself more. This helps in realizing things that confuse me and in coping up with changes I need.

 

            Life is not perfect. What matters most is how we endure everything that happens to us. Bumps along the way are just part of the journey that leads us to where we want to be. In the end, we’ll come to understand that every hardship, every sacrifice, and every pain we’ve been through are all worth it. These will help us in knowing our true purpose in life.

 

I know I still have a lot to learn from different aspects of life. All I need is the willingness to accept changes and faith in God to do so. J

 

LIVE LIFE. NO REGRETS. BE HAPPY. J